Updated: Aug 11, 2019
Yesterday, on 12 April, I took part in a healing meditation Leila Hardy held in her Facebook group Mind + Body + Spirit = Ultimate Health to celebrate 1,700 members. It was the most beautiful experience and I had such an overflow of transmissions, messages, images and love from my inner being that I am amazed I didn’t feel completely overwhelmed by it all. Instead, I gained a far greater level of inner peace and feeling of bliss that has been growing steadily lately. Last night’s live event was a turbo charge in that.
Years ago, those feelings of bliss and peace used to be temporary and then, very quickly, I would slip back into my normal modus operandi, which wasn’t half as happy. These days, I am remaining more and more in it and the “slumps” are not roller coaster valleys, but gentle slopes. I can’t even remember the last time I was in a complete rage or in utter despair.
When I decided I wanted to change and shift things, I didn’t know how. I read hundreds of books around religion, spirituality and self-help, but it seemed those were merely intellectual exercises. They had no relation or bearing to my “real” life, meaning the physical reality in which I found myself. It took a fair amount of time to realise, that reality isn’t an absolute. Far from it, but one day, I understood, and the real journey began. The puzzle pieces started to click together. I’m not saying they’re all in place now. I have areas in my life that need working on more than others. I’m an ordinary human with ordinary feelings, but I am, like everyone else, also unique and special.
I used to compare myself for the longest and always fell short in my perception. I wasn’t good enough, fast enough, I wasn’t enough, full stop. I attracted people in my life who told me exactly those things, too, reflecting my inner insecurities to me by shamelessly hitting on them. It took a while for me to first get rid of negative people from my life where I could obliterate their presence and set boundaries with those I couldn’t cut out completely. It was a process and I am generally not the most patient person (that’s where the “not fast enough” really kicks in).
But who says I have to reach a certain level of “enlightenment” by a certain age, only because someone else did? I learned patience and compassion with myself. I also learned not to take remarks from others about “it’s easy,” meant as an encouraging statement by beautiful, supportive souls, as an attack on my person as in, “It’s so easy, you must be really dumb if you don’t get it!”
I’ve let go of that inner critic. Mostly. I’ve become a lot less impatient with myself and I don’t put a deadline on how fast and far I can integrate new and old knowledge and energy into wisdom and skill. I’ve slowed my life down and live more in the moment. It doesn’t mean, I am doing less, it means, I have a different perspective and when I catch myself doing one thing and rattling of that 50-point to-do list in my head, rather than just enjoying the process, I stop myself, take a deep breath (or several) and look at my garden, listen to the birds, crack a joke to hear my children’s laughter. Something like that.
I’ve decided there is no deadline to my personal development. Apart from the one, obviously, when you’re “dead.” Then again, there is always another life to be had and experienced. And the most remarkable thing is, the moment I decided this, not to pressure myself or allow myself to be pressured, things flowed a lot more easily. I got my mojo back, my imagination is bubbling like a fountain right now and I SEE all those beautiful things, those amazing people in my life and feel so grateful and appreciative of the fact that I can actually SEE them, PERCEIVE them!
As Antoine de Saint-Exupéry says in The Little Prince:
“It is only with the heart that one can see rightly.
What is essential is invisible to the eyes.”
And nowadays, yes, I catch myself stressing at times, but more often, I catch myself smiling. And that feels really good!
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