Updated: Nov 28, 2020
This year has been challenging to say the least. It all started with a burnout, with becoming more independent and autonomous and went on to miraculously transform into a journey of deep self-discovery, selflove, healing and learning to be a lot more patient. I came from feeling that my brain was completely fried with a giant microwave and had left me just enough intelligence to not having to give my children away to slowly healing those synapses and creating new neurological pathways to change my views, my life and, most of all, my happiness.
It has been a long journey that is by no means at an end. It is not always easy, as all transformations come with their own set of challenges, the most basic of which is to accept the fact that change is occurring and I had better not resist but welcome it with open arms. The more I did the latter, the easier it became. Still, change can be frightening, no matter how positive it is, for the simple reason that it is different and unknown and humans generally crave the safety of the predictable.
I slept a lot, too. I am down to sleeping from up to sixteen hours to between nine to twelve. Sometimes, I sleep less but then my body makes up for it later so I have learned not to resist it. There is a difference between lethargy and being genuinely tired and having studied shamanism, at least in its basic teachings, I know that an important part of anyone going through healing a trauma, whether it is physical or psychological, is soul retrieval. The body, as well as the mind, heal most intensely during sleep when the soul is free to travel away from the body and recharge its energy without being pulled down by the lower, heavier vibrations of a waking intellectual mind.
So I afford myself the sleep I need and during the hours I am awake, I do my best do split my time between care for my children, for selfcare and for any other chores that still await me every day, from scrubbing the toilet to going shopping, not to mention, feeding the cat. She will remind me loudly if I ever forget and I am grateful she does. We cuddle a lot, too. It is very healing for both of us.
I feel she is reaching a new level of trust with us and her forcing me to pause and just be in the moment when my hands are occupied with caressing her and I can no longer type away on my phone or computer, has taught me how I had neglected of taking these breaks from my masculine energy and just being a receptive vessel of beautiful and invigorating life force energy.
I have not been able to write for a long time and it has only shortly returned to me in stops and starts, my ability to write and allow the flow of words to pour out of me like a spring that bubbles up from the depth of Mother Gaia to bring nourishment and wisdom, joy and life to all it touches, passes and runs through. I love each and every moment I now feel this flow of divine inspiration within me when I had previously taken it for granted. I had never acknowledged what an important and special gift it really was because I had been too busy self-deprecating and finding a thousand and one reasons why I wasn’t good enough. Not anywhere near it.
I love how much more I can appreciate the little things now, the moments that are not world-altering, that will never make it in the annals of history, yet have a more profound effect on my life that a single moment of grandeur. These many small moments of bliss, of enoughness, of peace and simply Being. The accumulation of these moments over time are healing in the most profound way. They are life-sustaining. For me and, gratefully, at times, also for others.
I am a lot more conscious about how I spend my time because I have less waking hours and less energy. My priorities have shifted and continue to do so. And I feel it is for the better. I am coming away from existing in a 24/7 hour state of production and allowing my mind to wander aimlessly, to dream without a fixed destination. And slowly, it is healing, my intellectual capacity is returning more and more, I can concentrate longer again and am capable of more complex thought processes once more.
And then I woke up last night and started to write. The pen I had grabbed writes so well. It is light, easy, flows the same delightful way as my mind does at present and I wrote for hours, enjoying the feel of the pen gliding over paper so effortlessly, feeling so deeply appreciative that my flow wasn’t in any way encumbered by a pen that was more difficult to write with. It was perfect flow in creativity and in physicality. And I could see it and appreciate it so deeply.
And when I looked at how much I had written, just before my eyes closed again, ready for another round of sleep, I suddenly realised that there was an engraving at the side of the pen and I looked more closely and read it. It read LITTLE VICTORIES and made me laugh out loud in delight because it had been a little, yet great victory for me to be able to write again in such a flow and the fact that this very pen was part of a gift parcel I had received from my very dear friend Rebecca Stephenson whose Facebook page, Facebook group, Instagram, Pinterest and Website are called Little Victories.
Rebecca helps and inspires other people suffering from anxiety and besides always finding incredibly wonderful articles and information to post, she also uplifts with beautiful memes that encourage and bring a smile to your face. I was a great fan even before I had my burnout and anxiety attack at the beginning of this year and channelling my inner Rebecca Goddess has helped me in a way I cannot even describe to get through those first weeks of feeling like drowning in emotions so wholly alien to me up to that point.
I was confused, afraid and insecure. I judged myself and was deeply ashamed of what I perceived to be a weakness I had never thought myself capable of before. I had always seen myself as a strong person who helped others, not vice versa. And then I was the one who needed help and I had to ask for it because my children were involved in the whole equation, too.
I owed it to them as much as to myself to get better, to learn to deal with this new state of being and I did. It was hard, it was incredibly frightening because my conditioning from my family had been, never show them that you’re lying on the ground or they’ll just kick you some more. Not physically, of course, but mentally, emotionally. I felt vulnerable, without defences, without strength to fight and I totally surrendered myself to the mercy and goodwill of friends and most of all, strangers. Professional social workers, therapists and doctors. And no one kicked me. No one hurt me even more. When I tentatively reached out to ask for a little finger, I was offered not only a helping hand but an entire arm.
And therein lies my greatest Little Victory. Being able to trust and discern which people I can safely trust, too. Being able to reach out and ask for help without shame or guilt. Being able to love myself even more now in this weakened state than I did before when I thought I was so strong that I was invincible. I learned to love my humanity and it also liberated me of the self-imposed expectation to always perform, always do great deeds, always write great books and articles, always do, do, do, be strong, be strong, be strong.
Instead, now, I can love myself as I am, in just BEING without having to BE a certain way or DO anything in order to justify my existence, my right to be loved or the fact that I am LOVEABLE just by myself, just by BEING me, not DOING me.
And all those Little Victories I struggled to achieve or that some came naturally day by day, accumulated and culminated in this transformation of turning a breakdown into a breakthrough. So yes, it was hard and challenging and teary and desperate and ugly, but yes, it was also a breaking open, a transformation, a finding of strength in vulnerability, of truly loving myself unconditionally. And all this brought me to this moment in time where I sit in my office at my laptop, writing this while my eyes already feel heavy again, yet my mind is awake and my heart spews love and appreciation like a fountain.
My many Little Victories became a Great Victory. May this be an inspiration to all those who struggle, all those who cannot accept themselves as they are, just in BEING. You ARE loveable, you ARE worthy and you ARE enough. ALWAYS!